How to Avoid the "Vicky-D Iceberg"
By Barbara Friesner

In “De-Mystifying Vicky-D’s” in the October NABBW newsletter, you learned how the Vicky-D’s’ generational experiences, attitudes and values created their expectations today. However, generational values and attitudes are only part of the equation.

To understand how Vicky-D’s view the world and why they react the way they do – and avoid crashing into the Vicky-D iceberg – let me give you another part of the equation . . . where they are coming from emotionally.

As you might imagine, for Vicky-D’s facing major life issues such as old age, declining health, death of a spouse and/or friends, fear of being destitute and homeless, fear of losing independence and control, or the fear of dependency – or not having anyone to depend on, this an extremely emotional time.

Emotions are a powerful force. When we react emotionally to a situation, we stop thinking logically. Our reactions become visceral – instinctive rather than intellectual.

Emotions reinforce and amplify our core values and generational attitudes - who each of us is on a basic, fundamental level. While we can learn to be different, when we’re caught up in an emotional situation, our generational attitudes and values are our fall-back position. For example, someone who has learned to be more comfortable spending money, may revert to obsessive penny-pinching when emotional; someone who has learned to be more open to discussing personal things such as money and health, may withdraw and be guarded or secretive when emotional; and similarly, someone who has learned to be selective in what they keep, may revert to hoarding when emotional.

Emotions also feed our fears. For some, even to the point of being controlled or consumed by those fears. And during an emotional time, it’s difficult for most people to make any decisions – let alone good ones.

Adult children who try to help their aging loved ones with something – even something as seemingly innocuous as accepting in-home help – often find themselves crashing into a wall of resistance, and/or emotions that are dramatically out of proportion to what would “normally” be considered appropriate to the situation. Surprised, confused, angry, hurt, or frustrated themselves, many family members will just drop the subject until there’s a crisis usually requires more significant (and expensive) action.

In her book “On Death and Dying”, Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ detailed the 5 stages of grief that most people go through when they receive and grieve something tangible and catastrophic that actually has or is happening such as a terminal illness or a death. These stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance – are both predictable and understandable.

However, when someone anticipates and grieves a loss that hasn’t happened yet – and possibly never will – they are going through what I call “pre-grieving”. Much like a husband who experiences all the symptoms of his wife’s pregnancy, pre-grieving is going through the grieving process as if the dreaded event is actually happening to them.

Given the major life issues they’re facing, research has shown that pre-grieving is particularly prevalent with Vicky-D’s. For example, a perfectly healthy Vicky-D who hears about someone going into a nursing home may begin to pre-grieve that same event happening to them. Or hearing of the death of a friend of a friend of a friend may pre-grieve his/her own death.

What makes this so difficult for family members to identify and understand is that…

• there is rarely a specific triggering “incident” so it’s hard to see it coming
• people respond to the same information in different ways so there is no way to predict what an individual will pre-grieve
• the intensity of the pre-grieving process (and/or each stage) depends on how significant an issue it is to the person perceiving it. A person may be experiencing the emotions of pre-grieving but the duration may be so short and/or the intensity so mild that family members, may be unaware of it – unless or until they try to help. This is especially true for those who don’t see their Vicky-D frequently. At that point, they may crash into the wall of resistance.

Family members can avoid crashing into this emotional wall by being aware of the 5 general stages of pre-grieving (based on Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ model).

Stage 1: Shock and denial
Denial is a way people protect themselves; it keeps them from having to face the emotional pain when shocked by something that has happened – or may happen.

To Help: Their resistance is about emotion and fear. Trying to force them to face “reality” at this stage may only make it worse. Focus instead on being supportive and understanding and validating what your loved one may be feeling.

Stage 2: Anger
Some degree of anger is a common – even necessary – part of the grieving process. It relieves some of the emotional pressure and is a way to hide the fear they may be feeling. At this point, all their focus and energy is concentrated on the emotion, not problem solving. Unfortunately, your loved one’s anger may make them appear child-like. As a result, it’s easy to fall into the “parenting the parent” trap and your communication may be perceived more negatively (“bossy”?) than you intended. Or, if you try to communicate calmly, it can come across as condescending (a verbal “pat on the head”). Given their sensitivity, the conversation can easily deteriorate into an argument.

To Help: These are difficult and emotional times for you, too. But to be able to help, it’s important not to get drawn in to their emotion. Avoid escalating the emotional pitch by making a conscious decision to modify your own behavior and communication style. Their anger isn’t about you, so as difficult as it may be, stay focused on what you’re doing and why. If you see an argument starting, don’t buy into it. Rather, change the subject, go for a walk, change the subject, etc.

Stage 3: Depression and detachment
At this particularly difficult and sensitive stage, the “pre-griever” is pulling back and may be more withdrawn and uncommunicative. Depending on your relationship and how the previous stage went, it would be understandable if you wanted to pull back, too!

To Help: Stay connected and closely monitor your loved one; listen to what they’re saying and how they’re saying it – rather than what/how it’s making you feel. If you believe they’re “pre-grieving”, this depression and detachment may indicate that the reality of the situation is setting in. If you’re not sure if this is a stage of pre-grieving, talk to a professional. Either way, they need you now more than ever so hang in there!

Stage 4: Dialogue and bargaining
While they may be more willing to discuss and explore alternatives, at this stage they are still struggling to retain or regain some sense of independence and control. Most likely, they haven’t fully accepted the inevitable, so don’t be surprised if they’re not ready to make a final decision.

To Help: Don’t worry about arriving at a solution – at this stage it’s more important to keep the lines of communication open. Emphasize your desire to help – not take over or control. Ask questions (rather than trying to convince them) and resist being critical of alternatives they present.

Stage 5: Acceptance
At this stage, they have accepted the “loss”. They’re ready to determine what is in their best interest, evaluate their options, make rational decisions, and accept the necessary changes.

Understanding who your aging loved one is generationally and emotionally is important as you help them help themselves during this often challenging time. But it’s even more important to know who they are as unique individuals. I hope that this information helps you on that journey! Enjoy!