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NABBW Columnist - Baby Boomer Humor
| Name: | Georgia Richardson |
| Title: | Author, Speaker, Southern Humorist |
| Expertise: | Baby Boomer Humor |
| Web Site: |
http://www.queenjawjaw.com |
| Email: | gjawjaw1@bellsouth.net |
| Bio: |  Southern humorist Georgia Richardson, better known as Queen Jaw Jaw, has been published in GRAND, Chicken Soup for the Soul magazine, Woman's World, Guidepost online, and a host of other local and national magazines.
Her debut book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Throne, consists of every day life experiences with just a twist of the imagination. Her second book, an anthology, Pink Jasper- Gems from the Journey, was written by Georgia and five other women across the United States, Canada, and England. Amazingly, these women have never met. Writer, speaker and gabologist, the Queen mixes her sharp sense of humor with everyday life observations and, as the Queen says, ?Every single story is true, honest injun? I'd rather walk on my lips than tell a lie?. To visit her queendom, just click on the link at the bottom of this page. There you can read all about her Lunch Hour Specials. Don't forget to ?paws? a while and see what her good friend and writer-dog Trixie, a.k.a., da Trixster, has been up to? |
Mattress King vs. da Queen
By Georgia Richardson
Waking up every morning for a week with my back in a “locked” position convinced me the twenty-year-old mattress might need replacing. Some say I’m a pack-rat and cannot throw things away. I prefer frugal. Besides, I accidentally removed the tags from it when I bought it twenty years ago and I’ve been waiting for the statue of limitations to expire. I don’t look good in stripes, or orange.
Buying “large ticket” items goes against my tightwad--- ah, frugal grain and puts me in a foul mood from the get go, and of course whenever that happens, I somehow become a magnet for the salesperson from Hell … It never fails. I walk in to Ed’s Beds and Mattress Kingdom and I’m met with--
“Hellllllllooooo, I’m Marvin and I’ll be putting you to bed today!”
Now don’t get ahead of me but you and I both know what I was thinking at this point, right? In your dreams Marvin. AnyWAY … I wasn’t there to find my next Ex. I needed a mattress and I needed one that would last another twenty years and be my last. After that, the nursing home could provide them.
Anyhoo, don’t you just hate salespeople who “sing” hello to you when you enter a store? I began with --
“Marvin, I need a new mattress.” I stopped and thought, why did I just say new? Hmm … I continued with, “I don’t need a box spring (his face fell two inches), just a mattress. No bells and whistles and no pillow-top, just a mattress. (His face continued to fall). And I don’t want to have to mortgage the house to buy it.” Whewwwww… I took a breath.
Apparently Marvin was counting on making the payment on his new car, his next vacation, or alimony because he suddenly turned from being “Marvin the Singer” to “Marvin the Stinker.”
“Well let’s see, you want a strip-down (much emphasis on next word) economy model with no pillow top, no super-duper-rock-me-to-sleep inner springs, no NASA-approved stuffing, and I suppose (he slung both hands over his shoulders as if to say heaven forbid) in WHITE? Does that about cover it?”
I responded with, “Yep.”
He then said rather loudly for the entertainment of the rest of the customers in the store, “I don’t think we have anything THAT cheap. I’d have to pick that up at the Salvation Army.”
Not a good move Marvin.
Matching octave for octave, I said, “Hey great! So when you go by there to pick up the rest of your suits, could you pick me up one?”
Don’t ever try to out-stinky da Queen – You won’t win.
Queen Jaw Jaw
The Queen of Baby Boomer Humor
© Copyright 2005-2008
Visit Georgia at
http://www.queenjawjaw.com
Southern humorist Georgia Richardson, better known as Queen Jaw Jaw, Author of two books, and most importantly, Big Momma to her grandchildren. Says the Queen, "If I can make you smile, then I can die a happy woman. I hope you do, too. Ah...smile that is; not die." QJJ